Year 7

THERE AND BACK AGAIN: A HIGH SCHOOLER'S TALE

I think I have finally realised where I went wrong - pinpointed the actual time that I stopped being me and started trying to be somebody else.

I was listening to the soundtrack for LoTR: Return of the King yesterday, when it hit me just how much I love Lord of the Rings. There is something about it which has always captured by heart and imagination. When I was in Year 6, I discovered the movies and fell in love with them. I attempted to read the books, but at the age of 11, I couldn't manage it. Even still, I became quite obsessed. I still have the evidence of my obsession: the books (not just the novels, but movie companions, monster guides, even two copies of a New Zealand location book), the extended edition of The Two Towers that I saved up my money for (and haven't been able to afford the other two since), the action figures (I would say more than 30 of them - I would probably be sitting on a lot of money if they were still in their packaging), and other miscellaneous merchandise. The Hobbit is one of my all time favourite books (perhaps even in my top five).

I am telling you this to put things in perspective. At the age of 11, I was an obsessive geek. I loved Harry Potter to the point of being awarded the oh-so-creative nickname 'Harry Potter Freak' in primary school. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my favourite tv show. And I already mentioned LoTR. I loved Mario, Pokemon and collecting marbles.

All of this changed when I entered High School. I was never a 'cool' kid in primary school, but I was never bullied. High school isn't primary school. Suddenly, things that I loved held no more appeal when associated with pain and misery. It was embarrassing to be a geek. Add on top of that the usual bullying that redheads get, and I was toast.

It was probably less than a few weeks into Year 7 when I begged Mum to let me swap my generic, Kmart schoolbag for one purchased $50 above its worth at a surf shop. I joined in with the teasing of any poor kid who decided to wear the full school tracksuit. I mimicked others to the point of losing my own identity. It was easier to be the same as everyone else than to be different.

All throughout high school, it was the same pattern. Having already forgotten who I was, I grabbed onto the nearest stereotype with both hands and held on tight, only dropping it when I got bored of being that person. I tried everything: Emo, Scene, Little Kid-ish/Kawaii, Supre-Clothing-Bad-Dance-Music-Fluro-Colours, 90s Grunge, Reverting Back To My Childhood...anything I saw others doing, I copied.

I dyed my hair. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought I would fit in more if I did. I have tried heaps of different colours - blonde streaks (as close as I could get to blonde without all of the upkeep), brunette, dark purple, orange and black, fire-truck-red, yellow (yes - you read that right, yellow). My hair was so damaged I am surprised I didn't go bald.

This year, everything changed again. I met people who little-Emma had things in common with. I started to remember who I was, who I am. I am reforming my identity, one tiny puzzle piece at a time. I am re-discovering things that I love. And I feel like getting out my LoTR figures and playing with them again.

My name is Emma, and I have come full circle. As far as my identity goes, I am a 12-year-old again. I am doing all of the growing that I should have done in high school. So if you are ever wondering why I seem so shy and anxious, that's why. 

It is hard to be 12 years old around a bunch of adults.